Thursday, July 1, 2010
Gardening Advice for Zombies
[In some (relatively obscure) corners of the internet today is Zombie Day. I thought I should bring this concept to The Edge. Why? Pshh, Zombies! Who needs a reason?]
So now you're undead. Your primary goal is brains (wait, wait, come back, there's more, you can eat later, really) but you still enjoy a good garden. Good news. Just because you're undead doesn't mean you can't garden!
Plant vegetables. Now that the Zombie Apocalypse is nigh food will become scarce for the living. A nice vegetable garden will work wonders to attract them. All you have to do is wait and your dinner will come to you.
While the living don't like to put meat in their compost bins because of smell and disease you're undead! You won't notice the smell of rotting meat over the smell of your own rotting flesh and you certainly don't have to worry about disease anymore. What's the worst that can happen? You've already died. So go ahead, once you've removed the brains from your (hey, where are you going? come back, quit thinking with your stomach for just a little while longer!), once you've removed... well the remaining parts of your victims you can be put right in the ol' compost bin.
Being a Gardener Zombie you are familiar with a great many long handled implements like shovels and hoes. These can be useful to you in your new undead life. They can be used to cripple your prey (the living) or to defend yourself against the Mobs of the Living. Since you're already dead you just have to keep The Mobs from hacking you into pieces. A good sturdy hoe will block most swings of the axe (aim for the shaft of the axe). And a good pitchfork in experienced hands can be very frightening!
So go on out there and start planting! Be sure to put in some Cauliflower. They look kind of like brains.
Darn. I've lost you completely now, haven't I?