Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Tale of Gardeneezer Scrooge

Twas the night before Christmas.  no, wait, wrong story to parody.

Once upon a time there was a Gardener who didn't like Christmas.  Bah Humbug, she'd say.  Scrooge was right before he was so brutally brainwashed, she'd say.  She got tired of the same dozen Christmas songs being played in every store she went into, except the garden center which no longer held anything interesting, having given over most of its indoor space to Poinsettias.  She grew tired of the commercials that suggested that a new car (usually one with poor gas mileage and a high carbon output) or a diamond (is that a Conflict Diamond on your finger or are you just... no that joke doesn't work here) or a bottle of perfume would be the perfect Christmas gift, one that would make her life complete.  None of these appealed to her.  And don't let her get started on the commercials with off-key singing of Christmas carols or changed lyrics to encourage people to shop!

Gardening season is over for the year, she groused, and I've only gotten one 2010 plant catalog!

Then, one night after watching HgTV in a desperate attempt to avoid "It's a Wonderful Life" for the 25th time this year, the Gardener who didn't like Christmas fell asleep in front of the TV and was visited by a Ghost.

OK.  So this was the ghost of Kitchen Remodels but it was the one who was available.

"Gardeneezer" said the ghost "you will be visited by three Ghosts tonight."

The Gardener scoffed, but inside she wondered if she was dreaming (she was prone to weird dreams), hallucinating from too much H and not enough G on the TV, or maybe she had lost her mind completely due to lack of contact with the soil for so long.  She decided that whatever was going on she might was well roll with it.

A bright light appeared and a voice spoke "We are the Ghosts of Christmas Past."  She squinted into the light and spotted boxes of Christmas lights.  "We represent wasteful Christmases past."

The Gardner replied "Yes, I know.  That is why I have replaced all the lights on my tree with new, energy efficient lights.  They use less power and therefore produce fewer pollutants."

"Oh, darn" replied the boxes of lights "I guess you've already learned the lessons of Christmases past."

The boxes of lights vanished, to be replaced by a beautifully decorated live Christmas tree "I am the Ghost of Christmas Present."  The Gardener admired the traditional Solstice Flamingo ornaments, the Squidmas Octopi, the Hanukkah Whale, all topped by the traditional Christmoose.

"Oh Ghost of Christmas Present" cried the Gardener "I love the way you smell but I feel guilty having a live tree - is that really the right way to go?"

"I smell good because I am a live tree" said the Ghost of Christmas Present "I was grown for this purpose, I have lived for years on a tree farm, providing home for birds and shelters for young rabbits and when you are done with me you will place me outside to shelter your local birds until Spring when you will compost what you can and use the rest to form a nice brush pile for the local wildlife, eventually returning me to Nature, unlike an artificial tree that will last longer in a landfill than your lifetime. But in the future you should drive the 20 minutes to the place that sells organically grown trees, they're better for the environment than I."

"Oh, Ghost of Christas Present I am grateful for your lesson.  An evergreen tree in the house reminds us that even in the midst of winter there is life."

"You have learned the lesson of Christmas Present" said the tree.

The beautiful tree vanished to be replaced by a small, nearly insignificant plant in a cheap pot.  "I am the Ghost of Christmas Future" said the plant "I am small but I carry the last messages you must learn about Christmas."

"And what could those messages be?"  asked the Gardener.

The Plant replied "the first message is that even though you are unable to get outside you can still get your hands dirty by working with indoor plants."

"Yes, of course!" cried the Gardener "I forget about house plants during the summer but their green, growing, blooming majesty helps me get through the indoor season doldrums.  What is the other message?"

"That this is just the beginning of your time at the Garden on the Edge" said the plant "for as I am small I will grow larger and bloom, so your garden is small but it will grown and the garden catalogs will soon arrive in the mail, filled with delightful possibilities to fill your winter dreams.  Do not despair but instead think of Christmas as a time of the year that Good Gardeners can rest up before the big planning and ordering season of January and February."

"Oh, Christmas Cactus" (for that's what the plant was) "I will remember your lessons and pay close attention to my indoor garden this season and spend my spare hours planning where to put new plants next year" cried the Gardener with joy.

The Christmas Cactus smiled and vanished in warm glow and the Gardener smiled and signed up for Netflix so she wouldn't have to suffer through Christmas commercials or New Years Get-Fit commercials.

And the Gardener made her list:

For the Husband a trip to the St. Lawrence Seaway to kayak with the whales.

For the Best Friend from Grad School a job for her husband and a pregnancy resulting in a beautiful, healthy baby girl.

For The Zack an Eagle Badge.

For all the Good Gardeners out there Healthy Soil, rich in Organic Matter and just the right amount of Rainfall.

And for myself?  A strong climate treaty in Copenhagen to help reduce Global Climate Change.

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukah
Joyous Winter Solstice
Merry Squidmas
And a Peaceful 2010

1 comment:

  1. I know your 2010 gardening season will be most successful. (I too have a ghost of Christmas Future and it told me so!)